The Confirmed Bachelor

Your source for charming condescention and classy shit

Bastard Names by US State and Major City (Game of Thrones Style)

State

Alabama: Sweethome

Alaska: Ice

Arizona: Canyon

Arkansas: Rocks

California: Beach

Colorado: Mesa

Connecticut: Oak

Delaware: First

Florida: Orange

Georgia: Peaches

Hawaii: Surf

Idaho: Gemstone

Illinois: Plains

Indiana: Hoosier

Iowa: Corn

Kansas: Twister

Kentucky: Stallion

Louisiana: Gumbo

Maine: Pines

Maryland: Marsh

Massachusetts: Bays

Michigan: Motors

Minnesota: Lakes

Mississippi: Swamp

Missouri: Brooks

Montana: Glacier

Nebraska: Fields

Nevada: Desert

New Hampshire: Freeman

New Jersey: Gardens

New Mexico: Dune

New York: Lights

North Carolina: Tarheel

North Dakota: Grains

Ohio: Swing

Oklahoma: Prairie

Oregon: Trails

Pennsylvania: Steel

Rhode Island: Ocean

South Carolina: Palms

South Dakota: Butte

Tennessee: Blues

Texas: Law

Utah: Mountain

Vermont: Maple

Virginia: Liberty

Washington: Rain

West Virginia: Hills

Wisconsin: Cheese

Wyoming: Faithful

Major City

New York City: Metro

Los Angeles: Angel

Chicago: Wind

San Francisco: Quake (or Homo)

Pittsburgh: Smog

Buffalo: Wing

Seattle: Thunder

Houston: Cowboy

Philadelphia: Bell

Boston: Sox

I learned SO MUCH about this country from doing this. If you have any suggestions I won’t be offended. It should be pretty easy to tell which are mildly serious and which are jokes. Just be glad I didn’t make Tennessee’s “Lynch” like I first thought to.

emmroz asked: HI HI HELLO HI I DO MISS YOU (in case you ever wonder)

sometimes I do wonder. how are you, cara mia?

I enjoy this.

Jane Eyre: The Short Version

  • Jane Eyre: I’m brash, independent and free-thinking in a time and place such traits are frowned upon.
  • Mrs. Reed: Yeah, I don’t like that. Me and my daughters are going to abuse you.
  • Jane Eyre: Okay. Ow.
  • Mrs. Reed: jk. You’re going to boarding school ‘cause I’m sick of your face.
  • Headmaster Brocklehurst: You’re a liar.
  • Jane Eyre: No I’m not.
  • Headmaster Brocklehurst: See, right there. You just lied. Everybody laugh at this lying bitch.
  • Class: Hahahaha.
  • Helen Burns: I can tell you’re not a liar. I’ll be your friend.
  • Jane Eyre: Really? I have a friend now?
  • Helen Burns: jk. Gonna go die of typhus now.
  • Class: Us too. The text has resolved to kill us off because we were mean to you, but the intertextual explanation is that our headmaster herds us like animals in shitty housing.
  • Headmaster Brocklehurst: Oops. They’re building another school over there and NOT putting me in charge of it. I don’t get it.
  • Jane Eyre: My childhood suffering has suddenly qualified me to be a governess.
  • Alice Fairfax: We have an annoying little orphaned French girl that WILL NOT SHUT UP.
  • Jane Eyre: I’m perfect for the job! Oh, no! A man fell off his horse! I should save him
  • Mr. Rochester: Wow, thanks. You know, even though you’re skinny and pale and not traditionally beautiful I kind of have a thing for you.
  • Jane Eyre: I’m flattered but I’ve built up too many defense mechanisms after years of systematic abuse and trauma to possibly express that to you yet. (Readers are gonna hear all about it though)
  • Readers: Fuck.
  • Mrs. Reed: I’m dying and I’m calling you to my deathbed.
  • Jane Eyre: brb. Gonna go have a touching reconciliation with my wicked aunt.
  • Mrs. Reed: Yeah, no. I called you over here to tell you that this is all your fault. PS, you have a super rich uncle and I told him you were dead a long time ago because you suck.
  • Jane Eyre: Whatever. I forgive you anyway, bitch.
  • Mr. Rochester: Hey, while you were gone I started flirting with someone richer and prettier than you.
  • Jane Eyre: What the fuck? I thought we have a thing.
  • Mr. Rochester: No, we do. Just roll with it.
  • Jane Eyre: No, I wanna go live with my conveniently wealthy long-lost uncle.
  • Mr. Rochester: Fuck that. I love you. Marry me.
  • Jane Eyre: Oh, okay. Let’s make out.
  • Mr. Rochester: Did lightning just strike that tree?
  • Readers: I bet that’s symbolic. I’m calling that as being foreshadowing.
  • Bessie Lee: I’m the wise old lady and I’m telling you that you should be careful with this guy, Jane Eyre.
  • Jane Eyre: I hear you and I acknowledge what you’re saying as classic wise old person advice but I’m going to do the stereotypical young person thing and just completely ignore it.
  • Minister: Do you two have any reasons why you can’t get married?
  • Jane Eyre: Nope.
  • Mr. Rochester: Nope.
  • Richard Mason: Um, yeah he does. He married my crazy sister and keeps her locked in his attic.
  • Mr. Rochester: Dude. Not cool.
  • Readers: Called it.
  • Jane Eyre: I don’t think I can do this anymore.
  • Mr. Rochester: Wait, let me show you the aforementioned crazy black lady I keep in my attic so you can understand what a great guy I am.
  • Readers: What the fuck?
  • Jane Eyre: I guess that is kind of generous of you to keep her around.
  • Readers: WHAT THE FUCK?!
  • Jane Eyre: But I can’t be in love with you if we can’t get married. I’m gonna run away now.
  • Mr. Rochester: No, don’t! Ah, well. She’s gone. No point running after her.
  • St. John Rivers: I’ll take you in. I’m a nice missionary and I take care of my sisters.
  • Jane Eyre: Cool, you seem like a nice guy.
  • Readers: Careful, Jane. Something’s up with this guy.
  • St. John Rivers: Hey, that rich uncle you forgot about just died and left you a shitload of money.
  • Jane Eyre: Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t know him at all and won’t have to be sad now. So yeah, I’m rich, how about that? I think I’ll share it with you guys.
  • Readers: What. The fuck. Are you doing?
  • St. John Rivers: Cool. I want to marry you now and take you with me to India.
  • Readers: Called it.
  • St. John Rivers: I’m also your cousin.
  • Readers: Dude.
  • Jane Eyre: That part doesn’t bother me.
  • Readers: DUDE.
  • Jane Eyre: Okay, I’ll go with you.
  • Readers: *facepalm*
  • Jane Eyre: But I won’t marry you. I don’t love you. You’re getting friend zoned.
  • St. John Rivers: Fuck that shit. I wanna get laid. Marry me and we’ll just fall in love later.
  • Jane Eyre: Yeah, no. I’m gonna run away again and go find Mr. Rochester.
  • Bessie Lee: Hey! You’re back! That crazy black lady we kept up in the attic got loose and burned the house down. Then she killed herself.
  • Jane Eyre: Aw, that sucks. At least now Mr. Rochester is single.
  • Mr. Rochester: Yeah, but I’m blind now from the whole incident.
  • Jane Eyre: Don’t care. We’re married now.
  • Readers: Yay?
I saw my hair blowing around in the reflection of my screen and I couldn’t not.

I saw my hair blowing around in the reflection of my screen and I couldn’t not.

So apparently Caleb Landry Jones is really popular

because that one photoset of him I threw together in four seconds last night has gotten me more notes than anything I’ve ever posted on Tumblr before…which, I’ll admit, is slightly pathetic.

…but seriously…does he just walk around all day glancing fiercely at people through that ginger shroud? Because that’s terrifyingly sexy.

“I don’t think you’re like that in real life. You eye-fuck the camera because you’re too shy to do it to people in person.”

“By that logic I’m a pretty big slut.”

kinda totally had this moment today. rain and everything.

kinda totally had this moment today. rain and everything.

(Source: my-little-pkmn)

"Ex-Rutgers student gets 30 days for bullying gay roommate" via cnn.com

itsmecourtneyb:

“A New Jersey judge on Monday sentenced Dharun Ravi to 30 days in jail for spying on and intimidating his gay Rutgers University roommate, Tyler Clementi, who then killed himself by jumping off New York’s George Washington Bridge in September 2010…”

I hate feeling like this, but I’m really not surprised anymore. I know I am biased toward this case and I know that there have been plenty of cases in which justice was properly served. (see the trial of Matthew Shepard’s killers) However, one thing we need to focus on is how, all too often, hate is becoming a right that people are entitled to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s part of the freedom of speech and I honor that. But in an effort to be “fair to all sides” and have sympathy for the devil we keep forcing ourselves to forget precisely the issue. While this man’s hate and prejudice did not lead him to physically kill that boy he still commited a comparably harmful crime by spying on him, humiliating him, and pushing him to suicide. For the love of God, the two of them shared a room. He didn’t know that this kid was unstable? Or that he was violating the kind of basic trust that we put in our roommates?

So maybe he’s had two years to consider it. Maybe he thought it over and feels really bad and wishes he could take it back. Well maybe I’ve just become cruel but I don’t care. He broke the law—a law which people are more than happy to enforce when homophobia, one of the last bastions of hate (thank you Peter Dinklage, I’m using that phrase all the time now) is involved. What does this say if not that what he did was only a minor crime because all he thought was that his roommate’s lifestyle was laughable and weird? For fuck’s sake, they won’t even deport him!

No, people will try to make sense out of this the same way they did with Dan White. “He feels awful, he has to live with this the rest of his life.” That kind of thing. The way I see it, he could be feeling awful in jail or out of jail. Guess which one I’d prefer?

*girlish shriek*